Please Outlaws, do you have a functioning replacement pen that you could send to Soundhound? This is getting serious.

His wife tells me that he's now spending endless hours in the Soundhound theater watching constant reruns of "Monster from the Green Hell," "The Green Mile," "The Green Slime" and "Children of the Damned." I understand that when the kids eyes glow green, he can be heard to mutter, "My pen. My pen. My precious."

I'd give him mine -- which is functioning very nicely, thank you -- but, honestly, I'm now afraid to go over there.