For the record, there is no new processor and No you are not alone in your lunacy. The processors which preceded the 975, but were cancelled, also would not have met your needs. Stereo sub outputs are not generally needed as the sound <80 hz is not usually able to be sensed by humans as far as directionality. Very few tracks have the LFE signal mixed in separate channels for this reason. I get excellent results using a splitter from my sub out to both my subs. I agree room EQ is a good way to setup your system but it often needs tweaked even after a perfect run. Doing it manually gives many a sense of accomplishment and a much more detailed understanding of how their rooms affect the sound of their systems. Many of us love to tweak our systems endlessly (a good reason to own a turntable is the never-ending tweaks available). Years ago when I wanted to get rid of the display I would tape a piece of cardboard to the top so I could just flip it down when I wanted it dark. There are available processors out there which meet your needs and are not that much more $$$ than the 975. Try Onkyo, Denon and Marantz for starters.