A cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm).

A little thingie, shaped somewhat like a tape head demagnetizer. Remember audio tape? Demagnetizers?? Remember anything???

THE cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm)! AHHH!!!

The cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm)takes two batteries.

Special batteries (more about the special batteries later).

The cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) comes with an assortment of plug-in light emitting diodes (leds) of different universal harmonizing wavelengths (colors). Obsessive-compulsives will really appreciate the choice of different colored leds.

When the special batteries are inserted into the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) and one of the leds is attached to the special led attachment and the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm)'s ON-OFF switch is gently placed to the ON position, the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) vibrates (don't go there!) just at the edge of human perception: the nature of the vibrations is influenced by the color of the led chosen and by the aura of the user. Red leds help in the most excellent reproduction of the lowest frequencies. Very good for subwoofer. Orange led for mid and upper bass frequencies. Yellow and green: most agreeable for transcendental sublime reproduction of critical mid range frequencies. Blue for delicate high notes. Violet (with the ulta violet left intact) good for ultra high notes and dog whistle. Use sunscreen (spf 200 or better) when employing violet for happy avoidance of melanomas and cadillacs.

The user turns on (I said DON'T GO THERE!!!) the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) and gently and lovingly waves the pointy end (remember, cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) looks similar to a head demagnetizer) along each piece of audio equipment (what the heck, use cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) on anything you want) cherishing soothing vibrations emminating from cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) into user's hand. Move the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) in the direction going from signal input to signal output. Use it on the audio cables, even on your disks and pets. It slices. It dices ... oops, wrong commercial.

For to attain happiest opperation, gentle user is serenely encourage to think nice soothing thoughts while employing cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm). Many successes of sonic delight of application are to be obtained from frequent use of cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm).

The key to the proper functioning of the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) is the use of the special batteries.

These special batteries are special.

Special rechareable batteries that can be recharged.

Although rechargeable on any suitable charger, for the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) to function, the batteries must be returned to your cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) dealer, where, for a small fee (well, small for Bill Gates), they are exchanged for a fully charged set.

The near-dead batteries are air freighted to our research and development facility high in the Tibetan Himalayas, in one of the suburbs of Lahsa. There, in the dark of night, the batteries are fully discharged by Tibetan monks, who are chanting in order to fully exorcise bad sonic humors, anguishing, that are coming out of the dying batteries. These bad sonic humors origninally came from the user's audio (or AV) system that was visited by the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm).

When the batteries are fully discharged later that night, they are taken and placed in special battery chargers that get their power from an array of solar cells. These solar sells are aligned in such a way that each and every solar cell catches the first rays of the rising sun while NEVER being in a position to be in the shadow of another solar cell array. The morning dew, glistening enchantingly, brings a special joy into the hearts of the monks and a tear of thanksgiving to their eyes. As the first rays from the rising sun land on the solar cells and starts the batteries' reincarnation as power sources to power the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm), all of the Temple's monks commence the chant of re-empowering. When the batteries are fully re-empowered, the monks immediatly fall silent as one and lovingly repack the batteries for their airflight back, in first class of course, to cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm) dealers where they await awakening and and the opportunity to serve the users of the cosmic alignment harmonizer(tm), bringing forth cosmic alignment harmonies of great musical satisfaction.

Your bliss may vary.

With much humbleness of heart and humility of spirit.

Paul

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the 1derful1

p.s. Edited because cosmic spell checker was not functioning harmoniously on day of post. It is better now, but may not be perfect (to allow for the possibility of spelling errors still inhabiting post).

[This message has been edited by Paul J. Stiles (edited October 30, 2002).]
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the 1derful1